5.18.2009

"This is gonna be a funny story to tell!"

That's what I was thinking as I was laying on the table getting my body wrap.

This past Tuesday was THE day for my spa day. I was so excited to be going to do something different and relaxing.

As I arrived at the place, I thought to myself, "I am in the ghetto." I found the place on the internet so I had no idea where it was or what it looked like except for the photo I saw on the website. The website was very nice so I figured the place must be as well. Don't get me wrong, the INSIDE was pretty nice but the outside was a little worrisome.

I parked my car and said a little prayer for it. I didn't want to go back out there to a busted window or my car sitting on blocks. HAHAHA. So I got out and had to walk from the back parking lot, down the sidewalk of a busy road and around to the front door. I TRIED to open the door but it was locked. I can't say that I blame them! I rung the doorbell and someone came to open the door. As soon as I was inside, she made sure to quickly lock the door behind me. LOL!

I filled out the appropriate paperwork and was called back. When I saw the girl that would be doing the massage, I wondered if she would be capable of deep tissue. She was 5 foot and MAYBE 100 pounds. Since being out of college, I had not had a 'professional' massage so I was really interested in seeing what her technique was and if I would be able to compete if by chance I decided to go to work one day.

2 words, I ROCK. 2 more words, SHE DOESN'T. I requested a deep tissue massage and got a quick, light massage. She didn't even turn me over and do the front of my legs and arms. BOOOOOOOOO! AND it was supposed to be 60 minutes and she only spent 30! GRRR! I was not relaxed.

After my massage, I was handed a robe and slippers and left to wait until the Doc was ready for me. I guess the lady is called a Doctor because she's a Chiropractor as well. Anyway... I waited a good 20 minutes in a room with no chair. My robe wasn't comforable and one of my slippers had a yellow stain. >:0s

The girl that did my massage finally came to get me to tell me the doctor was ready for me. I asked her if I was supposed to leave all my stuff in the room or bring it with me. I wasn't about to leave my purse unattended. She told me to just bring it with me. For those of you who may have a business one day that offers spa treatments, please make a place available for your client's things! There was no hook to hang my clothes, no safe for my purse, nothing. As I was grabbing my things, I was TRYING to keep my robe in place. The girl didn't even offer to help me. I was struggling to hold my robe, not lose my yellow stained slipper, carry an entire outfit, plus a purse AND shoes. UGH!

I hobbled over to the room and met the girl that was going to be doing my facial and body wrap. She was nice and personable. Although my massage wasn't great, I was hoping that the doctor/the owner of the company would make the remainder of my visit RELAXING. I was there to RELAX.

I was given my instructions and she left the room so I could get into place on the table. I was to lay facedown on a sheet of plastic. Well, when she came back in, I learned that I was on the table facing the wrong way so I had to try to peel myself off the plastic, hoping to not take it with me while getting up and then turn around and face the opposite direction. She didn't leave the room for this part. So while trying to PEEL off the plastic, I was half way around and accidentally kicked her. HA! Sorry lady. It was the least I could do for such an odd spa experience.

The body wrap was again, not such a great experience. The stuff she smeared all over me was kinda stinky. Oh, wait, I gotta tell you about the undies they gave me so if you're a guy and uninterested about what a spa treatment is like, skip the next paragraph.

I was given disposable underwear. I was thinking that they would be a COMPLETE pair of underwear. WRONG! It was g-string. AND you guys know I'm not a small girl. I think these undies were a size MEDIUM for my XXL booty so it was more like wearing a thong. NOT comfortable. SO try sliding onto a sheet of plastic in a disposable thong with someone in there watching you! I did have my robe over the top of me but STILL!

Okay, moving on. The point in the body wrap is to pull the toxins out of your body through your pores. I was laying on a heated table, on a sheet of plastic, with green stinky stuff smeared all over me - then she had me turn over, another difficult task, and smeared the stinky all over the front. After I'm thoroughly covered in green stinky stuff, I'm then wrapped like a mummy in plastic and 3 more layers of I don't know what. I COULD NOT MOVE! She said claustrophobic people can't have body wraps like that unless their hands are free. I'm not claustrophic but I was about to request to have my arms freed too.

After being 'placed back in my mother's womb', I was told that she would begin my facial since I had to stay wrapped for an hour. You would think that after 2 previous disappointments that I'd cringe at anything else coming at me but nooooo, I was hoping for yet another relaxing experience. GUESS WHAT! I was wrong. Ha.

My facial is started by hot, steamy mist blowing in my face. I do not like to sweat and to me, that is not part of a RELAXING facial. After being steemed for who knows how long, she rubs some stuff on my face, she checks my skin, explains a couple of things and then LEAVES THE ROOM! She left the room for 30 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You DO NOT leave someone on a heated table, wrapped in 4 layers with steam blowing in their face for 30 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could feel myself starting to go into panic mode. I was sweating. IT WAS HOT! I was starting to wonder if I'd be able to get out of the wrap if I needed to. I was wondering if I was going to need to yell for someone. I started to pray for her to come back SOON. LOL. I wasn't feeling claustrophic, I was feeling HOT! Way too hot! I had these little cotton things covering my eyes and I thought I'd probably feel better if I could just get those off. I shook my head to one side and one of the cotton things fell off. I shook my head to the other side and the other one fell off. Hahaha. About time I thought I was going to have to come up with a way of escape, she came back.

I don't think I'll be going back there. Although she did offer me a job...

So much for relaxing.

13 folks had something to say.:

Paper Clip Queen said...

This is hysterical! Thanks for sharing!!!

Vic said...

this cracks me up every single time...

Vic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Valerie said...

LMBO!! that is all I am going to say..

Erika J. said...

not sure who you are PCQ but thanks for reading.

it's always nice to laugh at someone else's expense. :)

Tam said...

OH MY WORD!!!! Morgan and I just read this together and laughed out loud!!!!!

This is SOOOOOOOOOOO funny!

Your mom had already told me this story but it's still hilarious!!!!!!!

marshasblog said...

Thanks for sharing!! THAT was funny!! Needed that!! I would have went into panic mode!!

Tammi said...

Wow! I don't think that I want to have a spa experience after reading that!

Amanda Bull said...

LMBO!! That is too funny!

Paul, Grace, and Shrimp said...

What a crazy experience! That is so funny..

EmJ said...

seriously.
LOL.
wow.
i love youuu!
that was hilarious!!

Kasey said...

ha. wow. hahaha. I am so sorry. But i will admit I was chuckling as I read this. I would request my money back. Seriously

Amanda Bull said...

Love the new layout!!