6.29.2008

Unless you've been there, you can't say anything.

Sometimes I find myself wallowing in my sadness and frustration, only to realize that it's not because it's the way I feel about something but because it's the way someone else feels. Normally, I could care less what people think of me but there are a select few that really get my nerves in a twist. Sometimes I find myself causing myself (haha) such anxiety over things that I just have to stop and tell myself that this is MY life and only I can live it. I don't mean for that to sound inconsiderate and I'm not referring to the spiritual aspect of things. I'm talking about day to day, routine things. Things I deal with daily that have nothing to do with the spirtiual part of my life.

Unless you have had Rheumatoid Arthritis or anything similar, you cannot tell me what I should do. I have had so many people tell me that I need to MAKE myself do something. I can't tell you how many times I have let out a grunt of frustration or shed a few tears because of trying to make my body do something that it just would not do. If having 2 small children doesn't keep me mobile, nothing ever will. These past few months, I have had alot of trouble with my hands. Kailee is at her defiant, I'm gonna do whatever I wonna do no matter what you say age and I cannot for the life of me spank her. I don't feel right using anything else other than my hand to discipline her. She doesn't realize it but part of her knows that I am weak and I just can't 'one-up' her all the time. It leaves me tired and frustrated. Mentally & physically frazzled. I have tried several different medications and I'm not sure what my options are now. The last injection I took made my hair fall out after only a few shots. It maxed my prescription plan out, leaving me unable to get another round of injections and also causing me to have to pay full price for other prescriptions I needed to get filled. Unless you've been to the doctor and had them tell you that you're going to be crippled unless you take medication that causes cancer and other serious problems, you cannot tell me what I need to do. I'm at a crossroads right now. I'm so up in the air about what to do, I could scream. I'm not getting any better and unless God heals me, I won't. Maybe all my issues with the medication is God's way of saying that HE is going to take care of me and that all these other options that scare the dooky out of me won't do any good. So far, they've not been beneficial to me whatsoever. I've thought many times that I could be what gets my dad's attention. One day, I may be able to call him up and say 'Daddy, God healed me! I can move joints I couldn't move! I can play with my children without pain! I can do all the things that I haven't been able to do in 8 years!'... Maybe one day.

Unless you have ever had 2 small children close in age, then you have no idea what it is like to try and clean a house and cook dinner, sometimes even bathe and brush your teeth while one is swinging from the chanadlier and the other is screaming at the top of her lungs. Hey, even some of you that have had or still do have small children, may have no idea what it's like to give birth and have your 2 year old time entering into terrible 2's almost perfectly. Consider yourself very fortunate. I was in Kmart one day searching for a walker for Madelynn. There was another lady there waiting for a sales associate to come and help her as well and we were discussing how she just had a baby and she has a 2 year old. I was telling her about Madelynn and of course, Kailee, who was with me at the time. I asked her if her son (who was with her) had entered into his terrible 2 stage and she proceeded to tell me 'Oh nooooo! He's been great!' I think I mustered up enough of my kindness to say 'That great!' but really, I wanted to say 'You've got to be kidding me?! There are really people out there who have toddlers that behave?! That's not fair!'

I really think I could write a book about people who act like they can relate but really have no idea and of course people just flowing with advice who really shouldn't say anything at all.

I hope this post doesn't come across as rude. It's just the way I've been feeling lately. Maybe by posting it, I can let go of some of the anxiety I'm feeling.

...to be continued...

6 folks had something to say.:

Net said...

Well, what I think you should do about that is ... :0)

I Love ya and so does God and thats all I know! ;0)

Valerie said...

wow Erika..I was not completely aware of what you are going through and it makes me sad to think you are going through all of that.I sit here and think about how things are unfair and have things to complain about and I guess my problems are not that bad anymore after reading yours. Sorry, you are going through this and I wished there was something I could do to help.

Just keep your head up and pray.

Kasey said...

He's got the whold worrrlllld, in His Hands, He's got you and me sister, in His hands. Just a song that came to mind.

God WILL reward your faithfulness to Him. Whether that is with healing, or with strength to carry on, whatever it may be, if you are doing all that you know to do, you will NOT fail. EVERYTHING will be okay. You are so right, until someone has been in your shoes, they cannot tell you what to do. This to shall pass. I wll pray for you until you feel you have peace or an answer about everything going on. As far as Kailee being wild, you could send her to three year old boot camp...that was a joke. *sigh* I guess it was sorta lame.

Tammy said...

I pray for you Erika, daily! God is the answer to it all!!!!!!
Through all that you are going through, "Hold onto Jesus for life"

i love you!

Amanda Bull said...

I cannot imagine. I am praying for you and your family. I work with patients with RA and have seen the pain and frustration that they go through. I cannot relate to what you are going through, but I can tell you that your healing is on the way. Keep the faith - I love you.

Vic said...

When I call on Jesus mountains are gonna fall, he'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call.. Call him in the morning, in the afternoon, late in the evening he'll be there... When your heart is broken and you feel discouraged, just remember that he said he'll be there...

I am calling, your extended family is calling, your church family is calling, and you keep calling on Jesus!!!! We are moving mountains when we pray and believe that God is in control...He does he best work when we have no where else to turn and he gets all the glory!!!!!!!